Week 1 of BIG

It was fun, challenging, emotional. I say challenging because it requires me to let go, let go of the crap in my head...the voices that say "You suck" "You're not good enough" "That looks like utter crap". To let go of what my mind thinks I should do, what the painting should look like, the urge to 'perfect' it. Challenging in I need to let myself think outside the box. To let the paper, the paints speak to me.

And emotional. OI! By mid week, I was an emotional weeping pile of I don't know what. And really it wasn't the painting or exercises that did that. No by mid week, I had made a step for me to make a call that was long over due. I called the crisis center and spoke to an advocate there...I won't go into all that here. If you're interested in knowing you can always read about it on my main blog The Forgotten Muse.

But that call, opened up something in me and all I could do or wanted to do was weep. I mean really cry from the deepest part of me. But when you're surrounded by people constantly, it's a bit difficult to do. So I wept on and off, and some how tried to work those emotions into the painting process.

You know what...I held back. I didn't truly let go. I didn't truly throw it all into the painting I wanted so much to destroy. Why? I didn't know how. I didn't think I was 'allowed'. I haven't decided yet if I want to go back and attack that painting and give it the ass kicking I wanted to. Or if I want to just throw all that feeling into another "Angry" painting. Part of me says go back to that one...it somehow has some unknown connection to the anger, the hurt, the pain.

I am looking forward to Week 2 of BIG. More challenges, more letting go, more of being BIG and FEARLESS.